What is the definition of success? What makes you a successful one? What things can make you succeed? I think everyone has different answers for those questions. And everyone has a different measurement of success. For me, success is not all about money and wealth, although they are parts of it. In my opinion, success is having a fine life by getting what you want and at the same time fulfilling what you need. Everyone has a different way to succeed. Some follow their interests, some succeed by doing thing they don’t really like but then they get used to it.
I am a big dreamer. I have a lot of dreams and passionate about many things. I love drawing, reading and writing fiction, designing a dress, photography, graphic design, making animations and games, and all multimedia related. Being a novelist, graphic designer, animator, game developer, having photography studio, and clothing line are my dreams. But, laziness is my friend, and I often do procrastination that becomes odds for my self-improvement. Personally, I am a good planner yet bad executor.
And things were going worse when I lost my father. To me, my parents are the reason for me to catch my dreams. Their smiles are the spirit for me. I would never think about losing both or either of them. My father is a strong character. He is strict, but he is also a democratic and open minded person. We love to discuss with him and ask him for opinions about anything. He knew the personality of his wife and children very well. He was such a great leader for us. Not only in our family, but he was also known as a lovable person by people who knew him. He was always keen to help people, he always told us to always do good deeds for the people around. He was that great, and we were so down when he passed away.
I was so depressed. It was such a mental breakdown for me. I became an introvert since then, had no interest to interact with people, forgot how to smile and laugh, and had no desire to think about my dreams anymore. It took so long for me to recover from my sadness. Until one day, my mom said, “Your father won’t be happy seeing you like this. We all love him. We all want him to always be with us. But Allah loves him more. Now, what you should do is chasing your dream as you promised your dad. Your future is bright ahead. Live your life, catch your dreams, be devoted to Allah, and send your prayers to your dad, that’s what all he wants from you now.” And then I realized how selfish I was. As much as I felt sad, my mom must be the saddest one. She lost her husband, her soul-mate, her everything. But my mom is a very strong woman, she doesn’t want to look sad, so her children won’t get worried.
Slowly, I tried to wake up, getting back to my life. I often feel like crying at times, but I get stronger every time I see my mother’s smile. I’m grateful I have my family and friends who always encourage me. I am the youngest in my family, so my sisters and brother are so patient and keep motivating me. But I’m not soon being a very motivated person. I know I am still so fragile. I don’t want to force myself too hard. I know I’m still doing my bad habit, like being lazy and procrastinating things I should do.
“The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up.” – Paul Valery
I really want to be a novelist. Everything can inspire me to make a story. Once I have an idea, I can make all the storyline in my head, the scenes, the dialogues, even the ending. But all is stuck in my head. I’m so lazy to write it. I’m so moody, I just write when I’m in a good mood. That’s why I never did finish my novel. I have like ten drafts of my fictional writings on my laptop. But each just consists of the prologue or the first chapters of it. When I got a new idea, I’d write excitedly. But then I would leave it for days, months, and forget about it. I missed my chances to participate in some writing competitions. I already knew what I would write for those competitions, but I didn’t write it. I always said “I’ll start writing it tomorrow” and I said that every day. When the deadline of those competitions came, I got upset. A voice in my head got upset too, “You don’t even bother finishing your novels, why do you dare to dream they will get published?!” and I’d be like “Okay mate, that’s all my fault. Just blame me.”
I fancy myself being a graphic designer, animator, or game developer since I love making graphic design, animations, and some simple games. But I don’t think my works are brilliant and would stand out among those graphic designers, animators, and game developers’ who exist these days. I’m not confident to compete. I realize, I should have improved my skills, but I’m not determined to do so. I also planned to make photography studio and clothing line with my own brand and design. But what’s the use of planning if you don’t do the concrete things to make it real?
“If you can’t fly, then run. If you can’t run, then walk. If you can’t walk, then crawl. But whatever you do, you have to keep moving forward.” ― Martin Luther King Jr.
That’s my honest confession. I am that bad. I feel so tired of my own thoughts sometimes. I don’t regret the mistakes I made, but I do regret the chances I missed. But I see no point in blaming myself now. I know I have to move forward from now on. Because, no matter how many people encourage me, I will stay the same if it’s not my own self who cares to change. And I realize I have to simplify my dreams. I mean I shouldn’t be too ambitious to reach many dreams in a short time. I am allowed to dream big, but I have to work hard and do real efforts to make my dreams happen. Anyway, 2014 has taught me lots of things, especially about appreciating time and being discipline. I have to wake up from failures, defeat my fears, strengthen my willingness, and build my confidence to catch my dreams. Hey 2015, I’m ready for your challenges!
In Response to Writing 201 Week Four Assignment: Self Reflection